Why I Hate Your Lawn

Joe Homeowner has a mental image of what his lawn *should* look like.  Green and lush all year long, as if he desperately *needed* a lush green lawn for some very important purpose.

1.  Spring fertilizer application

Joe Homeowner shakes his head while the national news tells him that there's a dead spot in the Gulf of Mexico because of farmers and their leaching nitrogen based chemical fertilizers into streams which find their way down the Mississippi and destroy the environment.  Joe calls lawn care company, schedules nitrogen application.

2.   Grass grows, gets tall, "needs" mowed

Joe Homeowner complains to co-workers and anyone who will listen that he's gotten way behind on the lawn, it's like a foot tall and he can't even see his shoes when he stands in the west side of the back yard.  Spring rains have way of making grass grow, not to mentioned that triple espresso nitrogen cocktail that he paid for.  The lawn is on speed and Joe just can't find time to mow three times a week to get that prefect criss cross pattern.

3.  Gets Hot, Still Mowing

Man alive, this heat.  Joe Homeowner is just ringing wet from sweat when he finally finishes mowing the lawn.  Mentions how glad he will be when Joe Jr. can finally take over.  He's almost ready, maybe next year.  The grass just never stops growing.

4.  Summer sets in, lawn turns brown, neighbor starts irrigating

Joe's lawn seems to be DIEING, while Joe's neighbor's lawn looks amazing even thru the heat.  Joe's lawn is a cool season grass and can't handle the dog days with some rain.  He hasn't "been able" to mow for two weeks.  The lawn just won't grow.

5.  Joe starts the water

Joe Homeowner drags out the hoses and sprinklers.  How long?  How often?  What time?  What's the adage: does the grass want a drink before bed or not want to sleep with wet feet?  Water is running everywhere, the sidewalk and driveway are soaked, the neighbors irrigation nozzles soak cars as they pass, and the street gutters are soaked for blocks in every direction.  Almost time to mow again!

6.  Joe gets the water bill

Mr. Homeowner tells all the guys how outrageously high the his water bill was.  Man alive, he can't believe how expensive water is and how much moisture that storm drain, I mean lawn, needs.

7. Fall to-dos

Lawn needs less water, nights are cooler, and wow, an irrigation system sure would be easier than dragging hoses all over.  It might even PAY Joe to have a system, given how much time he spent tinkering.  Oh yeah, better schedule the lawn company to over-seed some more cool season grass, and aerate the thatch problem, and spray that section in the back to knock out the crab grass, and some new sod where the dog always leaves those extra special dumps...

Seriously, how many hours and dollars are you spending, Joe Homeowner, for upkeep on something that you derive so little benefit.  All it causes is complaints: expensive fertilizer, water bills, have to mow again, mower breaks down and sucks gas and needs an oil change, now the blades are dull.

The grass WANTS to go dormant in the heat, let it.  Go one summer without watering and circle the calendar every time you shed a tear due to a brown lawn.  Apply the cash saved from water and mowing to the debt snow ball and maybe you can hold the deed to that brown grass someday.  And spend that mowing time throwing whiffle balls to your kids, so you don't feel obligated to scream at them at their Little League game when they watch strike three.

But if you insist on irrigation, POINT IT AT THE GRASS.  And if it's raining, SHUT OFF THE WATER.  This public service announcement also -- and especially -- applies to apartment complexes and commercial real estate owners.  Figure it out.