Iowa Corn: The Brand

In 2012, the drum beat from the corn industry's major players was this:

"It's just like regular sugar.  The body can't tell the difference between High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) and the sugars found in a piece of fruit."

The campaign was led by the National Corn Growers Association and the handful of major industry players who count "corn sugar" as a source of revenue.  And as a result of the product's economic efficiency and reassurance from scientists at the NCGA, food processors continued to use HFCS as the sweetener of choice.

Today, health professionals are increasingly pointing out that the average American's diet contains far too much sugar.  For example, the Wall Street Journal asked a panel of experts what one dietary change the average American should make.

Why I Hate Your Lawn

Joe Homeowner has a mental image of what his lawn *should* look like.  Green and lush all year long, as if he desperately *needed* a lush green lawn for some very important purpose.

1.  Spring fertilizer application

Joe Homeowner shakes his head while the national news tells him that there's a dead spot in the Gulf of Mexico because of farmers and their leaching nitrogen based chemical fertilizers into streams which find their way down the Mississippi and destroy the environment.  Joe calls lawn care company, schedules nitrogen application.

2.   Grass grows, gets tall, "needs" mowed

Joe Homeowner complains to co-workers and anyone who will listen that he's gotten way behind on the lawn, it's like a foot tall and he can't even see his shoes when he stands in the west side of the back yard.  Spring rains have way of making grass grow, not to mentioned that triple espresso nitrogen cocktail that he paid for.  The lawn is on speed and Joe just can't find time to mow three times a week to get that prefect criss cross pattern.

"She's a Semi-Beautiful Woman"

LaVerne W. Andreessen (1938-2009)

Photo Courtesy:
wcfcourier.com

If I'm ever asked a variation of that question, "if you could pick three people from history to have dinner with, who would it be?" I hope I remember to name Professor LaVerne W. Andreessen.

Prof. Andreessen was a legend on campus at the University of Northern Iowa. Well, at least in Curris Business Building. He was an old school teacher who expected every student to show up bright eyed and bushy tailed and held no reservations about embarrassing someone who had the nerve to show up without the requisite preparation.

Andreessen had previously taught high school in the days when teachers weren't questioned for whipping a kid into shape--verbally or otherwise--and he had a knack for commanding respect. You weren't even allowed to wear a hat during class (story to follow), which seemed borderline cruel and certainly unusual when I attended college.

Professor Andreessen would be a great a dinner party guest, because of his magnetic story telling ability (his favorite topics being trains, auctions, and his dog.) He barely required an audience, although if nearby you couldn't help being drawn in. And you just knew when he started a story, if he'd told it once, he'd told it a thousand times.

His impact on me was surprisingly great, considering I only took one of his classes: CPA Review-Financial Accounting and Reporting (FAR).

FAR was one of the major courses we took in our last semester as we prepared to sit for the CPA Exam. The accounting material alone made the course difficult, but the level of preparedness that Andreessen demanded made it infamous. I've never learned so much in just a few short months.

Not every student loved Andreessen, some even despised him. Mostly, those who made a routine of showing up for class unprepared and were subsequently embarrassed in front of their peers. And also, students who had a terrible sense of humor.

Luckily, I was never caught unprepared and I obviously have a fantastic sense of humor. As such, I attended class with two goals: absorb as much knowledge as possible before my brain turned to mush and try to avoid asphyxiation by laughter.

Professor Andreessen had a way of dropping bits of knowledge on you when you least expected it. I've always loved quotes and stories, so I would write as many of his comments and jokes in the margins of my notes as I could while keeping up with the chalk board debits and credits.

For my own occasional trip down memory lane, for any other former students who find their way to this post, I submit the following glimpse back to some of the toughest months of our lives.

Without further ado, a few of my favorite LaVerne-isms:

Andreessen The Motivator

"He who watches the clock, will always be one of the hands."

"If you're not going to put in the necessary time, you may as well drop this class. Go to the registrar's office and get yourself into 'Religions of the World'. Then start praying to various deities, because you're going to need all of the help you can get to pass the Exam."

"If you don't want to be here in class and put in the effort, don't waste your time. This is America! You can go pee your pants and lie in a gutter if you want and NO ONE CARES."

"Nerds win, they ALWAYS win. We may as well be a nerd and we may as well win. This is NO time to be COOL!"

"I used to be a weightlifter in the carnival, now look at me. Your brain will do the same thing if you don't use it."

"I have a hunch someone, somewhere threw up on their keyboard, wet themselves, and went home after seeing this question on the exam. Not us!"

"Don't just sit there like a blob of protoplasm."

"People attach an inordinate amount of respect to a CPA. We're not like lawyers or used car salesmen."

Andreessen's Random Comedy

"I shop for clothes down at Omar's in Waverly. Yep, Omar the tent-maker. He's the only one that has enough fabric."

"Smoking before breakfast used to bother my neighbor. Now it doesn't. He just doesn't eat breakfast."

"I was on the fire department years ago. The whole time I was on the department we never lost a foundation."

"I lost my train of thought. Did I find a rope or lose my horse?"

"I exercise extreme caution on these icy sidewalks. If I fall, I'm liable to rock to death before anyone finds me." *gesturing to his large protruding belly* "...like a turtle on its back."

First day of class, front row is wide open: "Don't sit too close to the front. You'll end up married or baptized or something."

Said to colleague of his: "Just because you suffer from disorganization doesn't mean I have to."

To an Unsuspecting Hat Wearer

"You know, hats are required to be worn down in Ames at Iowa State University. Do you know why?"

"No."

"Well ya see, they have an excellent veterinary school and agriculture program down there. As such, each semester, every student has to take a turn working in the livestock barns taking care of the stock.

"Part of that job, ya see, is to haul the excrement out of the barns. You shovel it into what's called a manure spreader. And then the men take turns driving the tractor and operating the equipment.

"Well in the days before enclosed tractor cabs, they needed to come up with a way to keep the excrement out of their hair. So they all took to wearing caps and the tradition stuck.

"Now, because we don't want to risk being confused for an Iowa State University student, we don't wear our caps in the classroom."

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If you have any great L.W. Andreessen memories, please comment below.